Did you pick sentence A or B last week?

Last week I shared my mantra, “short is always better than long”, againI gave you these two sentence examples; then I invited you to pick the best one.

Sentence A
My pedigree cocker spaniel, Dusty, and I went hiking in the park this afternoon, but as soon as Dusty spotted a lavish pond of murky water, he dove right in and was covered with slimy, foul-smelling mud.

Sentence B
My dog, Dusty, dove in a pond and covered himself with foul-selling mud when we were hiking in the park.

Here are a few responses:

ya know. I was about to say who wrote that icky first sentence? then decided to just hush up.
But this follower just couldn’t resist:
“My pedigree cocker spaniel” um, who cares unless that cocker is in the Westminster Kennel Club show? “, Dusty, and I went hiking in the park this afternoon,” Stick a period there. That’s a whole sentence by itself. Why do you want to stick commas all over the place? ” but as soon as Dusty spotted a lavish pond of murky water,” again with the comma’s? And why not just say a pond..or a puddle..MURKY WATER? Is this a Sherlock Holmes book? Perhaps you want people to think you are a true Victorian? ” he dove right in and was covered with slimy, foul-smelling mud.” What? foul smelling mud? The DOG would be foul smelling, not the mud necessarily…and murky doesn’t mean muddy after all. What exactly were you trying to get across with the murky business? Why not just say the dog can’t stop himself from becoming filthy whenever you walk him? There ya go…lol–
(BTW–this follower is a published writer and a member of MENSA. They also have a few letters after their name.
One reader chose Sentence A.  Here’s why, they said:
I picked Sentence “A”! I like it because it is more descriptive and adds flavor to the point being made. It may be verbose in some sense and it may not be a sentence used in conversation or when relaying the escapades of the journey. I will tell you what though – it would be a sentence an author would use to set the scene for the anticlimactic finish of his of his book.
That is my defense for sentence “A”.

Here’s another response
Sentence B. I agree. Funny comments too. What I could add is the choice of sentences A or B depends on the circumstances. If you are in a hurry B is best but lying down on your bed for a quite midnight read, A is definitely better

When I edit for a client, the first thing I do is slash every unnecessary word. I usually cut between 24-40% of their copy without changing the message. Some clients balk at first. But when they realize I haven’t changed the meaning of their copy the approve. The good writers learn from the experience and start slashing their own unnecessary words.
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