I have been listening to a lot of Eckhart Tolle podcasts lately about the ego and the pain body. He describes the ego as being an unconscious sense of self which is addicted to drama and misery; I over simplify here of course. So how did I identify this pain body? Read on.
Last night I sent some naughty photos to a guy I like. The expectation was obviously a compliment and non-stop praise about how beautiful and sexy I was. Instead I woke up to nothing! At 9 in the morning, I get a text: ‘did you lose weight?’ No compliment, no praises; nothing! Just that! I was livid! Furious! How could he not see how gorgeous and amazing I am? I spent most of the day miserable and even cancelled our planned vacation over the holidays because he just didn’t get me. Why doesn’t he treat me like gold?
At midday I got feedback from my boss about a project we had done; basically it said the job we had done was below the standard required. The first thing that happened was I got angry! “They don’t even know what they are looking for; the excuses started coming up: I didn’t have enough time, I didn’t have resources and many others including how dumb they all are”.
A few seconds after all of this drama and anger; I found myself laughing. I wasn’t sure why I was laughing but there I was in my office; laughing all alone. I called my boss and laughingly asked him what needs to be done and I volunteered to do it but had to go to see the doctor first. So I left.
As I was sitting in the doctors office; it dawned on me: The angry; the mean; the clever; the vindictive person I was during all those encounters was my unconscious ego: the pain body! Eureka! In all of these situations I had become the villain; the avenger, all because I was protecting a sense of self!
Acknowledging this without judgment has brought me immense sense of peace and acceptance. Maybe next time I will identify it sooner before I act but alas! I identified it!
As I sit in front of my Telly now; I have no need to prove to anyone my worth! I don’t need to punish someone for not showing their affection the way I want them to! I have no desire to prove anything to anyone! I am here! I whole!