If You Really Knew Me, You Would Know –

As I sat down to write this blog post, it was initially on a different topic.  I’m not narcissistic enough to think people want to 40 things about me, but I’m feeling a little introspective, so I wanted to share some things I am thinking.   I thought a post on things you do not know about me might be helpful, and you might even be able to connect and relate to what I feel or have experienced.

Let me tell you first that I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.  I’M NOT CRAZY!!  Because of the media, those with D.I.D. have been portrayed  as deranged, aggressive, dysfunctional, murderous, wild villains, and that is not an accurate appraisal of whom many of us are.  In any case, you might hear me discuss some things about me that sound weird, and that’s okay.  I like to say:  I’m not weird; I’m a limited edition.

Whatever I am, I will go into deeper detail on what D.I.D. is in another post.  For now, symptoms common to me as an individual with D.I.D. will be marked with “(D.I.D.)” beside them, so you know I will discuss it in further detail later.

In the meantime, if you have questions or comments about anything that I list, please let me know.  I will be happy to respond.

If you knew me you would know that:

  • I am 43 years old.

  • My name is Becca.
  • I have lived in the same medium-sized city all my life, but I forget where destinations are, so I use my GPS to find places to which I’ve been before.
  • I’ve been married to my husband Daniel for 18 years.
  • I am one day older than Daniel.
  • Our anniversary is August 14, my birthday is August 15, and his birthday is August 16.
  • I have a pit bull named Maybelline who is the sweetest, kindest, shyest, and weirdest dog ever.  We named her after the makeup brand Maybelline because she looks like she has eyeshadow around her eyes.
fullsizeoutput_136

“Mommy, take the picture already!”

  • I am not currently working, but I have had several jobs/careers in my life.  I’ve been an accountant, a beauty advisor, high school English teacher, and blogger.
  • I’ve seen every episode of the 7 seasons of Golden Girls at least 100 times . . . . literally.

If you knew me you would know that:

  • I frequently get weird headaches that medications do not help.  I have to sleep off the headache. (D.I.D.)
  • I frequently feel chaotic in my head, like there are many “thoughts” crashing into each other, fighting for which thought can be the loudest.  (D.I.D.)
  • When my head feels chaotic, it is difficult to understand what people are asking or telling me.  It is almost as if people are speaking to me in a foreign language and I can’t process it unless they talk slowly. (D.I.D.)
  • I also have to write my thoughts down quickly when I have them, otherwise they get stolen, and I quickly and easily forget what I was going to say.  (D.I.D.)
  • I was repeatedly sexually abused as a child.  I do not remember any of it, though others do.
  • When I was younger, I made five suicide attempts.
  • Some parts of me have a beautiful singing voice.  Other parts can’t carry a tune in a bucket. (D.I.D.)
  • My handwriting changes frequently.  (D.I.D.)
  • I have been with the same therapist for more than a decade.  Even in that long time, there are still things I have not told him.  I fear that is about to change.
  • I often refer to myself in the “we” because we have alters, also known as alternate personalities, in my head.  (D.I.D.)
  • One might say I’m recovered or in recovery from anorexia.  I’m maintaing a stable weight despite battling the disordered thoughts.
IMG_2171

Looks like recovery to me.

  • I’ve been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility literally more times than I remember.
  • Speaking of memory, I don’t have one.  It is sometimes difficult to recall events that happened just yesterday, let alone weeks or years ago.  (D.I.D.)

If you knew me you would know that:

  • I’m a spiritual and religious person but do not force my views on others.
  • I often feel blank. It’s not like feeling numb but instead completely cut off from my emotions.
  • I have extreme anxiety.
  • I periodically self-harm to cope with my anxiety.
  • I am extremely outgoing and extremely shy.  Doesn’t make sense, I know.
  • Despite being a positive person, I hate myself more than I like myself.
  • I think I am hideously ugly and fat.
  • I am not addicted to coffee; I just can not live without it . . . ever.

 

  • My depression is mostly under control; however, I still go through short periods where I’m depressed, and embarrassingly, my hygiene goes lacking.
  • I ran a marathon.  I was training for my second marathon when I was diagnosed with hip bursitis, and now I can not run anymore.

But I still workout to stay in shape.

  • All though I wrote this article on ending the stigma of mental illness, I stigmatize myself because I think people will not be accepting of my Dissociative Identity Disorder because I feel crazy.
IMG_0408

I am Groot!

  • I am a morning person.  I can be annoyingly happy and energetic in the mornings.
  • When I’m under stress, I dissociate and disconnect from my awareness of what is happening around me.  It feels very unsettling and disturbing.  It is not easy at all. (D.I.D.)

Finally, If you really knew me you would know that:

  • I truly look for the good in people, except if you’re a child molester, then I just want to fucking kill you . . . slowly . . . and methodically.
  • I struggle with feeling like a failure in every area of my life.
  • I am a makeup whore.  I love makeup, creating different looks, and trying new products.
IMG_2495

I have the perfect Wayne Goss brush to do it.

  • I hate Disney World, “the happiest place on earth.”
  • I LOVE sunflowers.  They are the happy flower.
  • I love to shop at my local thrift store.  I recently purchased a cute $298 skirt, prices tags still on, for $12.00.  Score!!
  • I am terrified to publish this post.
  • I am so glad that I did.

 

Advertisements