I carry it with me

“At least it wasn’t a baby” “At least you didn’t have to give birth”

Yes It was “just a blob” and no I didn’t have to give birth. And of course I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel to go through that.

But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t absolutely devastated. Why do people feel the need to compare peoples experiences? Like it’s a competition for who is the most upset. Like I have no right to be because, compared to other people, I had it “easy”. Well, let me tell you, it did bloody hurt and it certainly wasn’t easy. That “blob” was my baby. Just like the others before that one. That “blob” had a heartbeat. A heart. A life was growing inside me and It died.

I was teetering on the edge of a cliff and the only thing keeping me from plummeting was my partner and the ever fading glimmer of hope that I would one day successfully carry a baby.

The whole journey was heart wrenching and stressful.

Luckily for me, my journey ended in success. And I am so grateful for that.

But that doesn’t mean our losses haven’t left some damage. It happened. It was real. That pain never truly leaves you.

I recently had a tattoo to signify those losses. I don’t broadcast what it means, I don’t need to. It’s for me. That tattoo is my personal comfort. It has provided some closure and has left me a little more at peace. It’s like I can look at that and it somehow clarifies that it did happen. That may sound silly because of course it happened, but it seems everyone around me has forgotten what we went through, even my partner to a degree. And that’s right, I understand why – we have two beautiful children. I’m not angry at anyone.

But I haven’t forgotten, I still carry it with me and I always will.