A Step Out of Storm Clouds

Morning. I groggily opened my eyes to the same room and the same feeling of heaviness. It had been two weeks now since I had been discharged from hospital. Was I feeling better? No.  I felt like a cartoon character with storm clouds hanging over my head all the time.

I attempted ‘breakfast’ which was basically some gluten free toast. It was a small piece, and after two bites my stomach gave way. My usual GP was away, so I had been booked in with a locum doctor. She seemed friendly enough, and attentive to what I had to say. I explained to her that my stomach seemed to be getting worse, my appetite non-existent and the feeling of constantly just wanting to be asleep. My ideal idea of heaven at the time was simply a bed, nothing else (though that’s not really changed, maybe an unlimited supply of doughnuts too?). She looked at me with concern, and suggested I take another two weeks off work, which she was sure when this episode of fatigue would be over. In regards to my appetite, she like my usual GP advised me to just give my body time, and in due course all would fall into place. I was then instructed to see a nurse to have my bloods taken, as the hospital had suggested.

After having blood taken- a few bottles might I add, I returned home. I felt a strange foreboding sense of defeat as I told my best friend what the doctor had to say. He also assured me that with time, things would get better. I sighed, as I thought about what the blood test meant. It was a big one. The test was to measure the function of my kidneys, liver and neutrophils. All of these things had been affected by Sepsis when I was in hospital. I tried to tuck it into the back of my mind, as the last thing I needed was more stress.

I would try and distract myself from everything by binging Netflix programmes. It was a way of keeping my brain in hibernation and staving off lingering thoughts of how I could have been dead. Though on the plus side, I discovered Mad Men on Netflix- all 7 seasons…I can’t believe this masterpiece had been hidden away from me until now! My ‘addiction’ a.k.a my need for distraction got so bad, I would watch episodes, all day, all night. I’d fall asleep watching them, and wake up with it still running. I had got into this very sad, weird rut. A lot of the days felt like they were just melting together.

One of my good friends had called me as soon as she found out I had been in hospital. While I had Sepsis, I didn’t really tell any of my friends, as I didn’t want to be fussed over. She was really concerned and had obviously googled what Sepsis was. As she told me about her reaction when she heard I was so sick, and how upset she was, I felt something shift a little. I had spent this time, moping and feeling so down about my almost lack of existence, I hadn’t really thought of anyone else, or how they might be feeling for that matter.

That night, whilst I still felt rain clouds over my head, the rain felt a little less intense.