She is beautiful!
If she walked in here you here you wouldn’t notice her for her beauty.
It’s not that she commands the room or has a very large presence.
The first thing you will notice about her is her loudness!
The loudness of her voice!
The loudness of her spirit!
The loudness of that red open scar on her face!
The loudness of the places she carries with her!
The loudness of her will to survive!
She claims to have built an ice cream shop and a brothel in the desert!
When I met her she told me, “I am not a hooker, but you will think me one. Trust me love, I am not. I am just a girl who loves to fuck! I love dick! I love beer! I love life! I love dick! Oh I am reaping that! Pardon me love” she said. I stood there mouth wide open, I think she noticed because she continued to shock me “I love the feel, the girth, the hardness, the smell, the way it hangs stiff and hard like Superman’s arm when he takes flight. I like when it touches my wet clitoris, just rubbing against it! Oh sweetie, I can come just thinking about it!” She is licking her lips and touching her punani as she speaks. “I don’t like it when they finger me though, I want him inside! I want him to stroke the base, the sides and the top of my walls. If he doesn’t fit, I close my legs and let him play on my lips, he thinks he is so big! But I’ve just got big lips”. How do you know all of this, I ask “sweetie I told you I love to fuck! And you look like you will need!”
I have been listening to a lot of Eckhart Tolle podcasts lately about the ego and the pain body. He describes the ego as being an unconscious sense of self which is addicted to drama and misery; I over simplify here of course. So how did I identify this pain body? Read on.
Last night I sent some naughty photos to a guy I like. The expectation was obviously a compliment and non-stop praise about how beautiful and sexy I was. Instead I woke up to nothing! At 9 in the morning, I get a text: ‘did you lose weight?’ No compliment, no praises; nothing! Just that! I was livid! Furious! How could he not see how gorgeous and amazing I am? I spent most of the day miserable and even cancelled our planned vacation over the holidays because he just didn’t get me. Why doesn’t he treat me like gold?
At midday I got feedback from my boss about a project we had done; basically it said the job we had done was below the standard required. The first thing that happened was I got angry! “They don’t even know what they are looking for; the excuses started coming up: I didn’t have enough time, I didn’t have resources and many others including how dumb they all are”.
A few seconds after all of this drama and anger; I found myself laughing. I wasn’t sure why I was laughing but there I was in my office; laughing all alone. I called my boss and laughingly asked him what needs to be done and I volunteered to do it but had to go to see the doctor first. So I left.
As I was sitting in the doctors office; it dawned on me: The angry; the mean; the clever; the vindictive person I was during all those encounters was my unconscious ego: the pain body! Eureka! In all of these situations I had become the villain; the avenger, all because I was protecting a sense of self!
Acknowledging this without judgment has brought me immense sense of peace and acceptance. Maybe next time I will identify it sooner before I act but alas! I identified it!
As I sit in front of my Telly now; I have no need to prove to anyone my worth! I don’t need to punish someone for not showing their affection the way I want them to! I have no desire to prove anything to anyone! I am here! I whole!
A lot of people will tell you how to live your life. How will you know my journey if you haven’t walked in my shoes? Who told you that YOUR way was the right way? I hate being told what to, hate it; this doesn’t really sit well with a lot of followers. I use the term ‘followers ‘ because some people have resigned their life’s purpose without even realizing it. They are living based on other people’s life experiences and limitations not their own! Therefore they are merely following… If there is anything to take from people’s experiences is this , the experience is theirs! Just that! Theirs! How many people want to go into business, lose weight, travel, follow their passions but don’t? If you try to find out why; the answers are the same; did you see what happened to her? She lost everything! It didn’t last! That’s irresponsible! They said it can’t be done. Following your passion is something you do when you are ‘slowing down’.
They will tell you “work at this awful job and have a realistic plan’. What if you die today? What do you tell your 15 year old self? What will you tell God for squandering his gifts? I was being realistic? According to who? You belittled your dreams to suit people? What about your gift to the world? Don’t you think you have something grand to offer? You are made in the image of God!!!! Let that sink in….
By all means, listen to other people’s advice. Take what resonates with your soul and go have an adventure. Go dancing and face fun, you may not be the best dancer in the dance floor but who cares? Pick yourself up and try again!
I choose you
I choose me
I choose us
I choose you
you I choose
I love you
I love me more
Waiting! waited! arrived!
Came softly, gently, pierced my soul
Love you are
*disclaimer: I am incoherent when I write about love. Love has been good to me, it’s also been very messy! So it’s always tough to write about, but I love K!
The day of weeping
Today my whole being went blur. Everything was just dark, I tried to find the constant lie I tell myself “you doing great! You are going great! Smile! He loves you” I just couldn’t find myself. I don’t really know what the trigger was but I think it started this morning when I went into work. I walked in there and saw people walking aimlessly about in place that is suffocating them with bosses that are suffocating them! I saw people that are tired of the constant lies that are told daily by the managers in the name of being good managers. I saw managers that were themselves suffocating because they had lied to tell so they could keep their jobs, keep their salary and whatever else. I didn’t see passion! I didn’t feel that people were there cause they wanted to be there! I guess maybe these are my thoughts projected onto others.
All day I tried to a dismal failure to do something work related. I always pride myself for being good and smart, give me enough time I can crack anything! This proved futile, no matter how much time I had there was nothing that will come out of that exercise! I found myself questioning my very core at this, I realized I wasn’t so special! I was just normal and at that moment I was humbled! I was humbled because I realized I was never as smart as I thought.
I then wept! I wept for my mother who was never there for me. I wept for a unjust God who let my dad pass! I wept for the lovers who left! I left for the monsters I allowed into my life! I wept for rachel. I wept until I didn’t know why I was weeping! I wept because the pain became physical! It felt like someone was stabbing me, not in just one place but all over my body! I just surrendered and wept some more until I passed out
In a world of constant self evaluation and medication, it’s perfectly healthy to be ok. It’s ok to be happy and not need anything, it’s ok to stop and count your blessings. I think you will find you are right where you should be, at this exact moment, this time. You are enlightened, right here in the present. You can totally move from light to more light, more health, more love, more of everything you need.
Being content is not synonymous with lazy or uninspired. I’ve found all the time my discontent comes from either romanticizing the past or rushing past to the future. A good friend of mine told me, life is simple, don’t over analyse it! I took this and decided to count my blessings, and at the moment I am really happy! Genuinely happy, I don’t lack anything, I am glad my past brought me here and I know my future is great as I leave it in God’s hands. I live here and now! And it feels pretty amazing!!!
Come on, let’s live here, in the PRESENT
How does a person fake love another? I love is the beginning and the end, right? Yes sure maybe with your first love. I still love mine. But in a world of DMs and likes and so much accessibility, it’s so easy to confuse the like for love.
Last night I found myself declaring undying love for him, knowing very well I don’t love him. I tell him I love him because in another country, far away from me he can be anybody!!! I tell him I love him for my own selfish reasons. I want to hear the words echo back to me. I want to know that whoever I am picturing in my head at that time loves me too.
I do like him, yes but love:no. Selfishly though I continue this charade, I know when the time comes to meet I will lie and tell him I am sick or any other lie. To me he is that virtual stranger I want to keep as a virtual stranger. We spend half the day video calling n texting each other.
Is love the right word to use then? Probably not but I am selfish so it’s right for me.
As she says all of this, I look at her and weep for her soul. I know I should not judge but time is a precious gift. Instead of wasting it on someone she has no interest in, why not spend it on herself? Why not do yoga or climb a mountain or travel or better yet tell that first love of hers how she really feels?
I know I should not judge so I tell my good my friend; do you girl! Whatever makes you happy! Is that being a bad friend?