Can You See Me Here?

When the words come you have to be ready to drop any and everything and just let them out. I can’t keep the words inside me forever. They sit and stir and eat me alive. So here is what came to me today. In a moment. And through tears and broken breaths I sat and I wrote and I let it out.

LALa’s Musings

Can you see me here?
I am writhing from the pain of not having you near.
Breathless and shaking, succumbing to my fear.
I need you like I need air.
But you are not here…

Can you see me here?
I’m waiting and waiting for you to acknowledge me
praying and hoping that you see just a part of me.
How can you see me if you choose not to look?
Just open your eyes, I’m easy to read, like a book.
There’s pages to turn and chapters to burn,
are you looking now?

Can you see me here?
Wishing and hoping for only a kiss,
to help reminisce
all the time that we’ve missed.

Can you see me here?
I’m lying in bed twisted in sheets,
wanting to rub my fingers through your hair,
it’s making me weak.

This silence is killing me,
and you are not seeing me.
I’m a…

View original post 169 more words

You know what…?

I am stronger than I think.

LALa’s Musings

Granted, it’s been a long time since I’ve been asked, but I absolutely hate when someone would ask me why I stayed with my abuser for so long. It makes me cringe thinking about all the times someone has asked me why I didn’t leave after the first time. The sad truth of the matter is… I can’t answer those questions. I still have no idea how I let a mere man control so much of me. Don’t you think that there is a huge part of me that wishes I had left? Of course there is. I couldn’t. For one reason or another, I couldn’t bear to imagine my life without him. That’s what abusers do, I’ve learned. They make you so dependent on them for everything. Money, love, attention, affection. They are manipulative and quick to learn just what makes you tick. They figure you out better than…

View original post 977 more words



LALa’s Musings

Image result for soulmates anime

They no longer walked in harmony. He thought left, she went right. He looked up, she closed her eyes. One said yes, the other said no. It was as if within the span of a day they turned opposite ways. That happens in life, I guess. Sometimes people just grow apart. They no longer danced, their feet out of tune with the music of each other.

She thought of him at times, and he thought of her. They each remembered the good in each other, but what kept them apart was remembering the bad. They both knew the good outweighed the bad but it was like their anger towards each other made them blind. Blind to the fact that they still cared for each other, still had love for one another. Blind to all the ways they could make it work, only able to see all the ways it…

View original post 72 more words

Taking it Day by Day

I’m not as strong as I look, nor am I as weak as I think.

LALa’s Musings

I keep having minutes where I miss him. I know it’s a normal part of the steps to being a survivor of domestic violence, but I don’t like it. I get sad for a minute or two sometimes throughout the day, but I think I’ve discovered the way to get over that. I have to force myself to see him for who he really is. And whats worse, I have to accept it. I have to remind myself he is sick, and won’t get better. I have to tell myself that as a victim, none of that was my fault, it was his.

I keep going from moments of complete devastating weakness to moments of fierce strength. It’s a roller coaster ride and I desperately want to get off at the moments where I am strong. But I can’t. The healing process for a victim of…

View original post 442 more words

Why doesn’t he want me man?

A little thought on dead beat dads.

LALa’s Musings

Before you read my post I want you to watch this video. Even if you’ve seen it before. Watch. Then read.

The first time I saw this I was married to a man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. The first I saw this I was a mother who was the only one of my friends still with the father of her children. But behind that mask was deep sorrow. You see, I don’t believe my ex ever wanted to be a father. Truthfully, he told me numerous times he didn’t. He told me he couldn’t handle the responsibility. He couldn’t be a man. He walked out on our family last summer, way before the last incident. Way before I left him. He was gone. Not physically but mentally.

Seeing this now, after seeing the kind of man he has become, rips my heart into…

View original post 337 more words

Life as a Single Mother

I’ve met a lot of people lately telling me they are a single parent. Come to find out, most of those people don’t know what a single parent is. Here’s my view.

LALa’s Musings

I was going to title this “Life as a Single Parent,” but I know nothing of what it’s like to be a single father. Truth is, all I know is what I’ve seen from the single mom’s around me and from what is now my life. Lets start by defining, in the best way I can, what a single mother or father is. Or better yet let’s say what it isn’t. A single parent is NOT a person who has kids and is not with their childrens father or mother. No. It’s much more than that. If you have children but are not actively in their life, or what have you– you are NOT a single parent. You are NOT a single parent if you have your kids every other weekend. No. That does not make you a single parent. You’re a parent sure, but you are not on your…

View original post 730 more words


Motherhood after loss..

LALa’s Musings

I’m not sure if I have broached the subject of rainbow babies before, or if I have really written about mine. You see Ariana, my beautiful daughter, is my rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a mother suffers a loss. Not long before I had Ariana I did just that.

raibow baby

I was unfortunately the only one who seemed happy about my pregnancy, but I didn’t care. I was so excited to be a mom. I was about eight weeks along when I woke up one morning sick. Obviously, feeling nauseous during pregnancy, especially during the first few months isn’t a warning sign. So what did I do? I went back to sleep.

I should have never closed my eyes.

A few hours later I awoke in so much pain. My lower abdomen and my back were throbbing every few minutes. I didn’t know what was wrong…

View original post 547 more words

Monster, monster go away 

Pressing charges on my abusive husband was the right choice. Doesn’t stop me from missing him at times. I just wait for the day where I don’t.

LALa’s Musings

Surprisingly, throughout this whole ordeal of finding my voice, the monster has been hibernating. Then again, I’ve been numb to most of my feelings the past month. Has it really almost been a month? I can’t believe we haven’t spoken, or touched. I remember how he would always tell me I would never get over him. I would never be able to tell him no.

Maybe he’s right. But I guess we’ll never know.

The monster returned today, briefly. I sat, acknowledged it’s presence, and moved on to some trivial task to take my mind off it. It worked, sort of. I guess I’m getting better at this.

I hate moments of weakness. Moments where I remember the good times, the taste of his lips, the feel of his hands in mine. I don’t want to miss him but after being with someone for so long how can…

View original post 158 more words

You are not to blame. 

Victim blaming happens everywhere.

LALa’s Musings

A common feeling for victims of domestic violence is I deserved it or it was my fault.

No one deserves this and it is never your fault.

Regardless if you are a male or female victim you are not to blame. Your abuser made a choice. Probably several choices over a long period of time. You may not even be your abusers first victim.

I didn’t want to believe it then, but I recently realized I wasn’t the first. What’s crazy to me is, in the beginning of our relationship, my husbands ex girlfriend tried to warn me. I remember the phone call and the texts that came with it warning me of his violent nature, his tendency to hurt both physically and emotionally. She was smart. She left him. And there I was so confused. What did I do? I called him. I told him what…

View original post 183 more words

I See You Now

Feel free to share my story. Maybe someone reading this will get out before I did

LALa’s Musings

I have no idea who you are anymore.

Is this who you always were? I guess your true colors are showing now. For a while I was sorry that this was happening. I felt sad for you. I had sympathy. Then today in court when they were mentioning my car and how it’s really up to you what goes on with it… you looked at me, smiled, and winked. Now I see you. I see you clearly.

I thought the things you have been doing have been due to anger. Never did I think you were so cunning and vindictive. You want revenge. You want to hurt me.I see that now.

I guess emptying our bank account, leaving the kids (not me. Our children) with nothing wasn’t enough for you. I guess our sons childcare costs and our daughters recent healthcare costs don’t mean much to you…

View original post 165 more words